Design Shop - Monkey Rocker

Rating: 4/5 (for someone other than me, I'm giving this as fair a rating as possible as it absolutely deserves one)
Impressions: Ingeniously simple and almost infinitely adjustable, but, alas, not quite for me.
Price: $800 from manufacturer, $749 from JT's Stockroom, £399.99 from Love Honey UK

The Monkey Rocker is a rarity among sex machines in that it's operated solely by the movement of the user rather than by electricity. The genius in this particular toy is in the simplicity of the design.

The Monkey Rocker is similar in design to the rocking ottomans and chairs that are so popular among new mothers these days: a gliding design that can be set into motion with only the slightest movement of the person using it, but with the addition of an arm that moves in tandem with the rest of the machine, swinging smoothly up between the cushions with every movement of the body of the machine. The arm is made to accept either a flared base dildo (which doesn't come with the machine) or a Vac-U-Lock style dildo (which also doesn't come with the machine), letting the user choose what dildo works best for their personal preferences.

Now, that's a good thing and a bad thing, depending on how you're looking at it. The good part is that because you can choose your own dildo, you can choose the material, the size, the shape, the design and virtually any other factor that will enhance your enjoyment of the toy and the machine. The bad part is that it means spending more money before you can actually use your expensive new toy.

Personally, I find that while it's a bit of a pain to have to shell out more money to buy a dildo after spending $800 on the machine, it's also a blessing as I'm a bit picky about my sex toys and I'm fairly sure that if it had come with one dildo that wasn't interchangeable, I wouldn't have been happy with it. But not everyone's as picky as I am, so I'm sure that wouldn't have been true of everyone in the market for a machine like the Monkey Rocker.

I've never really been the type to be all that interested in a fucking machine because penetration was never my favorite part of sex (although recently I've really begun to enjoy it - which is one of the reasons why I finally decided to enter the world of sex machines) and because, as I mentioned before, I'm picky, but when I saw the Monkey Rocker it was an instant "I have to have one of those" moment. The main reason I was drawn to this particular sex machine was that it's not powered by electricity and it allows infinite personal adjustment when it comes to the depth and speed of the stroke. While other electrically-powered sex machines offer some adjustment, the options are still finite and determined by the limits set on the electronics, but on the Monkey Rocker, the user determines how hard, how fast and how deep they want the dildo to go with just a simple adjustment in the motion of their hips.


The only limitation to the Monkey Rocker's movement is that only a sitting position can be used, although you can sit facing the handle or facing away from it to simulate different positions (facing the handle is more like straddling your partner, facing him or her, and facing away from the handle is more like doggy style or reverse cowgirl).

Putting the Rocker together was a snap thanks to the detailed instructions (helpfully taped to the inside lid of the box with a bright green "START HERE" sticker drawing attention to them) and didn't require any tools at all. I literally had it out of the box and together in about 5 minutes, including the time spent reading instructions and figuring out what everything was and where it went.

The maiden voyage of my brand new Monkey Rocker didn't go quite as smoothly as I'd planned, because of the didlo I'd chosen (a Fun Factory Magnum) to use on it, which was too big and nearly impossible for me to get settled on comfortably, so I decided to set the Rocker aside and wait for my new replacement dildo (a Vixen Creations Bandit) to come in.

Jump forward to about a week later, and I'm setting up my Monkey Rocker for it's second test: settling the Bandit in place, lubing it up with Astroglide, straddling the Rocker and then...trying to get in the right position for the Bandit to glide in smoothly when I rocked the machine. Not working terribly well. It seems like I'm never in the right spot. It's like Goldilocks and the Monkey Rocker: I'm either too far back or too far forward and once it's in I can't quite get the angle and the depth of the strokes just right because my body doesn't like the way I'm moving.

But, I've come to the conclusion that that's not actually the fault of the Monkey Rocker (or its manufacturers, who are absolutely brilliant people with a phenomenal product). Apparently, my body just doesn't quite work right with the Rocker. I'm beginning to think that my relevant bits aren't quite anatomically compatible with the way the Rocker moves. That's not their fault at all, I want to stress that. I've had issues like this before, so I'm sure that I'm just one of those rare people who's body isn't compatible with this particular fucking machine.

It also doesn't help that I apparently don't like the feeling of being fucked in this position as it seems to be hitting a very tender spot inside my vagina with every stroke (once I actually manage to get settled on the dildo and get it going). Once again, I'm sure that's me and not the Rocker. My body's evidently just a little bit off kilter - just enough to throw things out of whack.

So to be the fairest reviewer possible, I have to stress that the Monkey Rocker is quite an ingenius machine and one that I'm sure the majority of people in the market for a fucking machine would be very happy with, but my body's just not digging the logistics of using it, apparently because (as in so many other non-anatomical ways) I'm a little off kilter.

So, dear reader, if you're considering getting one of these brilliant little machines, please don't let my factory imperfect body's issues with the Rocker put you off. This is an absolutely top-notch machine (easy to use, comfortable - in every way but the actual penetration for me, due to the aforementioned body/Rocker incompatibility issues - and absolutely 100% silent, which is always a plus if you have roommates, thin walls in your apartment, children or any other reason not to want everyone and their brother knowing what you're doing behind that closed bedroom door).

And the icing on the cake: if you're not sure if the Rocker is for you, the manfacturer allows you to use it for 90 days and then send it back, free of charge, if it doesn't agree with you, for a full refund, so buying one of these ingenius little machines is risk-free (aside from the time you would spend without the purchase price between ordering it, sending it back and receiving your refund, of course). If you're sure it's going to be for you, you can purchase it for a reduced price (and with purple cushions!) from JT's Stockroom.

(Buy a Monkey Rocker from JT's Stockroom or the manufacturer)